||[Feb. 27th, 2015|08:32 pm]
|||||death cab for cutie||]|
"yeah you are beautiful. but you dont mean a thing to me."
everything the same, same story, everything different, nothings the same.
i dont know why i try anymore. every time i think life is going to work out for me and i will get dealt the right hand it gets taken away from me.
i want the one that lasts, i want the one for me forever. i am 28 years old. karma feels heavy at the moment. every time i used someone, dropped someone like a bad habit, was distant, played the game, was a bitch, smiled when i wanted to frown, pushed people away because i was scared or insecure or it wasnt perfect - i am paying for it all now.
on one hand i think, let your guard down, be vunerable, be yourself, give it a try. on the other, keep your heart guarded, dont let him in, be the perfect someone that he will never know. its a losing game, either way you get hurt.
i have not felt this way about someone in a long time. if not ever. he says he is confused again. how long will it last this time? a week? a month? a year? what am i supposed to do, wait? even if i wait for him will it ever be the same again? maybe its just time to call it quits but he is too nice to say so. nothing i can do about it anyways. i deleted all his messages, phone calls, number and facebook. i cant have the reminder of something that was good and now isnt.
maybe i should just forget about him, move on, delete. delete. delete. delete. delete. like eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. it never happened. full frontal labotamy.
thats not the point of life now is it?? learning from your mistakes but there are no mistakes to be thought of.
i quit smoking on 2/24/15. honestly i thought i would be smoking again after this last conversation but i dont think im going to. its been hard of course but i think i can really quit for myself.
now the choice.... hole up and dont talk to anyone. focus on myself. or go crazy and be impulsive again. do what i want, fuck who i want, be the bitch with the smile. the cobra waiting to strike. the player. will God accept me at the gates for manipulating people because i can? is that fair to myself or people around me just to feel something?
"they've clipped my wings again, tore them apart and then left me. no use to fly away to my yesterday of freedom."