|caught up again...
||[Feb. 2nd, 2015|11:19 pm]
"i dont even know myself at all, i thought i would be happy by now. the more i try to push it i realize, gotta let go of control. gotta let it happen, gotta let it happen."
i fell so quickly again. first time since gabe that i felt geniwine feelings for someone and didnt want to pull the same girl bullshit i did with ryan. well thanks karma, you win. i have played the game real well over the last year that i kinda deserve the player.
now i dont know what to do. he says hes confused. he says he doesnt know how to act around me. pursue or not to pursue, that is the question. do i give space or not give up? i dont want to compete with another girl that has his attention but i think his sight is hazey. on one hand i am over it. blew my mind that i could get punished for being "responsible". "perfect". "intimidating".
i shouldnt apologize for working hard. one of the first things he said is that he didnt want someone like his ex, drifting with no direction. now i come along and have my shit together and he runs.
my heart felt stomped on when he told me he kissed her. litterally 6 hours after he had kissed me. ouch. i felt sick to my stomach. i cried all night but woke up the next day clear and not sad. more mad that he didnt even get a chance to get to know me. rachel told me to not give up, but where is the line? i dont want to be a psycho and text him all the time. but i dont want to let him slip away. i really thought that he would have tried to talk to me over the weekend. DONT LIKE ALL OF MY FACEBOOK POSTS AND NOT TALK TO ME! ugh so annoying. it just reminds me that i miss him and want to see him and he rather be with her.
i deleted all of his text messages so i wouldnt get drunk and look at them and say something stupid. and i unfollowed him on facebook so i didnt see all of him posts reminding me that im not the one for him. i miss him terribly. i want to rewind to saturday. if i would have gone to the show looking all sexy he wouldnt have even talked to her. but noooo she had to start the game all over again. if i see her i will probably choke her and shake the shit out of her. i have thought many times on messaging her on facebook and telling her he isnt what he seams. this bitch will break his heart and he will come crawling back to me with ever more issues.
"she lives in fairy tale, somewhere to far for us to find, forgotten the taste and smell of a world that she left behind."
BURY THE CASTLE