||[Oct. 29th, 2014|09:32 pm]
time. how has it passed by so quickly.
its been 10 years since i have posted on this. looking back on the previous posts i wonder if anything has changed.
i have messed up my life again, let my emotions get the best of me and said things that i shouldnt have said. i want to fix what i have done but i dont know how. i dont know how things went from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds.
will i ever learn?
so many good things in my life right now but the one bad thing makes everything harder.
moving scares the shit out of me. new place, new people, unknown begining. i am afraid that no one will come visit me and i will slip into the lonely crazy cat lady. ill get fat. be sad. angry. disconected.
i keep telling myself you can only have 1 of 2 things, happy work life or happy social life. every time it balances out, one goes to shit.
i want to push through this and be happy. put on the fake smile. but i feel sick to my stomach. i think that God is telling me i have used men too much and now i am learning my lesson. i finally found someone that is sweet and nice and cute and i completely messed it up. i cant even talk to him.
i miss the ex also. it was so easy ending it. maybe thats another reason why God is laughing at me. maybe i just miss the thought of him, someone to talk to.
now all i want to do is talk to him and hes accross the country. or so he says. i am so used to being lied to that i dont know what is real anymore. maybe he is at home. maybe he has found someone else. maybe i am over thinking this...
what if i do talk to him, what then? is there any saving this? i thought that there was something there but maybe i was so delusional looking for the right one that i created feelings that werent there.
i can always talk my way out of everything but he wont even give me a chance.
maybe i should just let him go. every guy i have dated in the past is trying to get with me but i dont want them. i want him. even if we work it out, will it ever be the same? the statement "ive been busy" is complete bullshit. if you realy liked someone then you would talk to them no matter what. he told me i give up to easily. i am trying to not give up easily but i think he already has.
one day at a time...