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a piece of you for a piece of me... [Apr. 4th, 2015|12:59 am]
minus the bear... god damn. who are you and why are you so good????


i have never felt like this before. i got played. i think? i miss him terribly. everyone says get over it. move on. fuck him. what a douche.

the funny thing is that every one of them has made bad choices before in relationships where you give someone the second chance. do they deserve it? does it pan out in the end?

sometimes i think the only reason why i am not over it is because i didnt end it. i played guys so much that it felt like second nature. so easy.
am i going to play Kory? maybe... maybe he is playing me. second guessing everything i am doing.

fucking facebook. why??? why do we feel like we need to update something that doesnt give us anything back? why has something so simple become a major part of our life that we feel so incomplete without it?

i want to get over this. i am over tears. over hurt. over feeling like i am not enough.

"yeah you are beautiful, but you dont mean a thing to me"

when do you give up? when is it time to realize thats its over? i thought it was... i wish that my brother and my roommate wouldnt have told me that he was trying to contact me. then i wouldnt be waiting. the ball is in his court.... well played sir... well played...
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hmmm [Mar. 9th, 2015|10:26 pm]
[Current Music |death cab for cutie]

some days are easier. some moments are harder. i keep having this overwhelming sense of anxiety. it washes over me at the strangest moments, especially at work when my mind wanders. i realize at that moment that it is over and he doesn't want to be with me and never will. on one hand i think it will eventually work out, maybe he will come to his senses and want to be with me. i hope that every buzz is a text from him... he hasn't contacted me at all. everyone says that he would have/should have by now. its only been 10 days! who can make up their mind in 10 days? i am a girl and hold on to that last hope that he will come running back to me, say that i am the one.
On the other hand, maybe i am over it. why should i put up with this shit? there are a million other better guys out there for me....isn't there? i think back on the guys that i have pulled the "its not you, its me" line on. it has usually been them lol. if he doesn't like me then fuck him.
i also know i am not ready to get out there again. its been nice not having facebook. i have so much more time in my life. and no cigarettes for 13 days now. i really want to get a bunch of projects/organizing/reading/relaxing done before i go back to the social media real world. i just know i cant go back on it until i am over him...blah. stupid that my life has become a giant stress ball because of a dude.

"no you cant find nothing at all if there was nothing there all along"
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its late [Mar. 7th, 2015|03:41 am]
i am drunk. and upset. i cried a lot tonight. it is all my fault. fuck.

minus the bear. that is all...........

music is the only thing that makes me happy
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bleh. [Mar. 2nd, 2015|09:54 pm]
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]

today was hard. i cried at my lunch hour. all i wanted to do was come up with some excuse to leave because all i could think about was him.
i checked my facebook a million times yesterday and today. i couldnt help but look at his profile even though i unfriended him. i finally decided about halfway through the day to just deactivate my account for awhile. why am i constantly checking something that doesnt mean anything to me? to say witty things and have people say witty things back? that isnt real life. i think i will just clear my head and not get on it for awhile. maybe no will notice i am gone...maybe that is my worst fear. he will forget about me and never look back.
i have been thinking about the situation all day and probably overanalyzing it. on one hand i truely believe that we are meant to be together. we had this amazing connection from the start. i found this quote: "if you have chemistry, you only need one other thing - timing. but timing's a bitch". maybe timing really is off. i do kinda understand. when i broke up with Gabe there was no way i could seriously be with someone even though i was seeing a couple of great guys. but was the timing off or the person?
i keep thinking that it is so unfair she "is allowed" to talk to him and i cant. i "confuse things too much". if you like someone, dont you want to talk to them and be with them? i wish that he would have just said to me "you arent the one". then i could start to move on.
on a good side, i have all this free time with no men and facebook that i have started working out again and some new sewing projects... 
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tiny vessels [Feb. 27th, 2015|08:32 pm]
[Current Mood |sad/mad/confused]
[Current Music |death cab for cutie]

"yeah you are beautiful. but you dont mean a thing to me."

everything the same, same story, everything different, nothings the same.

i dont know why i try anymore. every time i think life is going to work out for me and i will get dealt the right hand it gets taken away from me.
i want the one that lasts, i want the one for me forever. i am 28 years old. karma feels heavy at the moment. every time i used someone, dropped someone like a bad habit, was distant, played the game, was a bitch, smiled when i wanted to frown, pushed people away because i was scared or insecure or it wasnt perfect - i am paying for it all now.
on one hand i think, let your guard down, be vunerable, be yourself, give it a try. on the other, keep your heart guarded, dont let him in, be the perfect someone that he will never know. its a losing game, either way you get hurt.
i have not felt this way about someone in a long time. if not ever. he says he is confused again. how long will it last this time? a week? a month? a year? what am i supposed to do, wait? even if i wait for him will it ever be the same again? maybe its just time to call it quits but he is too nice to say so. nothing i can do about it anyways. i deleted all his messages, phone calls, number and facebook. i cant have the reminder of something that was good and now isnt.
maybe i should just forget about him, move on, delete. delete. delete. delete. delete. like eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. it never happened. full frontal labotamy.
thats not the point of life now is it?? learning from your mistakes but there are no mistakes to be thought of.
i quit smoking on 2/24/15. honestly i thought i would be smoking again after this last conversation but i dont think im going to. its been hard of course but i think i can really quit for myself.
now the choice.... hole up and dont talk to anyone. focus on myself. or go crazy and be impulsive again. do what i want, fuck who i want, be the bitch with the smile. the cobra waiting to strike. the player. will God accept me at the gates for manipulating people because i can? is that fair to myself or people around me just to feel something?

"they've clipped my wings again, tore them apart and then left me. no use to fly away to my yesterday of freedom."
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caught up again... [Feb. 2nd, 2015|11:19 pm]
[Current Location |my room]
[Current Mood |sleepysleepy]
[Current Music |paramore]

"i dont even know myself at all, i thought i would be happy by now. the more i try to push it i realize, gotta let go of control. gotta let it happen, gotta let it happen."

i fell so quickly again. first time since gabe that i felt geniwine feelings for someone and didnt want to pull the same girl bullshit i did with ryan. well thanks karma, you win. i have played the game real well over the last year that i kinda deserve the player.
now i dont know what to do. he says hes confused. he says he doesnt know how to act around me. pursue or not to pursue, that is the question. do i give space or not give up? i dont want to compete with another girl that has his attention but i think his sight is hazey. on one hand i am over it. blew my mind that i could get punished for being "responsible". "perfect". "intimidating".
i shouldnt apologize for working hard. one of the first things he said is that he didnt want someone like his ex, drifting with no direction. now i come along and have my shit together and he runs.
my heart felt stomped on when he told me he kissed her. litterally 6 hours after he had kissed me. ouch. i felt sick to my stomach. i cried all night but woke up the next day clear and not sad. more mad that he didnt even get a chance to get to know me. rachel told me to not give up, but where is the line? i dont want to be a psycho and text him all the time. but i dont want to let him slip away. i really thought that he would have tried to talk to me over the weekend. DONT LIKE ALL OF MY FACEBOOK POSTS AND NOT TALK TO ME! ugh so annoying. it just reminds me that i miss him and want to see him and he rather be with her.
i deleted all of his text messages so i wouldnt get drunk and look at them and say something stupid. and i unfollowed him on facebook so i didnt see all of him posts reminding me that im not the one for him. i miss him terribly. i want to rewind to saturday. if i would have gone to the show looking all sexy he wouldnt have even talked to her. but noooo she had to start the game all over again. if i see her i will probably choke her and shake the shit out of her. i have thought many times on messaging her on facebook and telling her he isnt what he seams. this bitch will break his heart and he will come crawling back to me with ever more issues.

"she lives in fairy tale, somewhere to far for us to find, forgotten the taste and smell of a world that she left behind."

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Why do we like to hurt so much? [Oct. 30th, 2014|10:28 pm]
I was right. he was lying to me. i called him out and he blocked my number and facebook like a pussy.
i should have never said what i said. i messed it up. everything would be fine. guilt....
i really thought it was real. i thought that he was a nice person but it turns out hes just a douche like the rest of them. if i ever see him again i might go balistic and slap him. how can you go from liking someone so much so fast and then nothing? he told me he missed me on saturday. what a crock of shit. why couldnt he just told me on saturday we were done? why make me suffer all week? he probably thinks i am a pshyco, some crazy girl that wont let go. i just want closure. a real ending. i am so depressed i dont know what to do.
at work i am just pretending to be happy. i dread the day someone notices that i am miserable and calls me out.
why? why me? why cant i just find the person that i am meant to be with?
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Time [Oct. 29th, 2014|09:32 pm]
[Current Music |paramore]

time. how has it passed by so quickly.
its been 10 years since i have posted on this. looking back on the previous posts i wonder if anything has changed.
i have messed up my life again, let my emotions get the best of me and said things that i shouldnt have said. i want to fix what i have done but i dont know how. i dont know how things went from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds.
will i ever learn?
so many good things in my life right now but the one bad thing makes everything harder.
moving scares the shit out of me. new place, new people, unknown begining. i am afraid that no one will come visit me and i will slip into the lonely crazy cat lady. ill get fat. be sad. angry. disconected.
i keep telling myself you can only have 1 of 2 things, happy work life or happy social life. every time it balances out, one goes to shit.
i want to push through this and be happy. put on the fake smile. but i feel sick to my stomach. i think that God is telling me i have used men too much and now i am learning my lesson. i finally found someone that is sweet and nice and cute and i completely messed it up. i cant even talk to him.
i miss the ex also. it was so easy ending it. maybe thats another reason why God is laughing at me. maybe i just miss the thought of him, someone to talk to.
now all i want to do is talk to him and hes accross the country. or so he says. i am so used to being lied to that i dont know what is real anymore. maybe he is at home. maybe he has found someone else. maybe i am over thinking this...
what if i do talk to him, what then? is there any saving this? i thought that there was something there but maybe i was so delusional looking for the right one that i created feelings that werent there.
i can always talk my way out of everything but he wont even give me a chance.
maybe i should just let him go. every guy i have dated in the past is trying to get with me but i dont want them. i want him. even if we work it out, will it ever be the same? the statement "ive been busy" is complete bullshit. if you realy liked someone then you would talk to them no matter what. he told me i give up to easily. i am trying to not give up easily but i think he already has.
one day at a time...
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yessssss [Feb. 18th, 2005|01:04 pm]
[Current Mood |happyhappy]
[Current Music |the postal service-the district sleeps alone tonight]

hey guess what kids????


heck yes im fuckin 18 bitches. i cant believe i made it. :D

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(no subject) [Jan. 10th, 2005|02:35 pm]
yeah... so boyfriends suck sometimes.

i remember why i didnt like having them.
maybe because boys are IDIOTS!

<3 Devin

P.S. i got stuck on a patch of ice with my car and it was scarey.
P.P.S. i hate school with the passion of a thousand suns.
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